Survivor’s Guilt
For more than a year now, the pandemic has planted itself firmly in the landscape of our lives even if we may not be in the habit of following the news as a rule. Family, acquaintances, relatives- we all know someone or the other who has contracted the virus and suffered due to it. The pandemic has had an impact on many facets of one’s life. Even when we consider how it affects our mental health, there are differences in how each individual is impacted and copes. One such consequence of the pandemic seems to be the rise in survivor’s guilt seen among people.
But what is survivor’s guilt?
Survivor’s guilt is the feelings of shame, helplessness, anxiety, guilt or anger we feel over having survived a traumatic situation. Currently, all of us are experiencing a collective trauma while facing the pandemic and its many dangers. Those who have recovered from the illness, seen loved ones suffer or die from the illness, those who believe that they have put themselves or someone else in danger of contracting the virus, health workers and volunteers are the ones who are more vulnerable to developing the feelings associated with survivor’s guilt.
In order to understand whether we are going through survivor’s guilt, it is important to understand the signs, symptoms and thoughts associated with it.
Some of the common symptoms generally seen are — irritability or anger, feelings of helplessness, grief, sadness, decreased motivation, sleep disturbances, social withdrawal, repeated and obsessive thoughts associated with the illness related to the self or others, thoughts about survival rates and chances and in some extreme situations, even suicidal thoughts may be present. You may also find yourself asking existential questions to yourself — like “why not me”, “why did this have to happen”, “what’s the purpose of life after this” etc. There is a loss of control and a sense of choicelessness that can be debilitating.
It’s important to identify these symptoms and understand that our minds and body are taking a huge toll due to the pandemic. We can engage in healthy coping strategies to help us identify and deal with survivor’s guilt and the symptoms that come with it.
- Giving permission: As mentioned earlier, we are going through a difficult time that is leading to a rise in uncomfortable emotions experienced by a vast majority of people. What we can do is give ourselves the permission and space to feel what we are feeling so that it is easier to process and understand them. Ignoring and denying the existence of these feelings doesn’t necessarily mean they will go away with time; rather they only make it more difficult to move on from the distressing circumstances
- Self-compassion: We may feel like blaming ourselves for a number of situations that are not in our control, for example, you may have contracted the virus and passed it on to your family members by mistake. It is important that we recognise that a lot of what is happening is beyond our control and be compassionate to ourselves. Engaging in positive and compassionate self-talk can also help you accept the situation and reduce distressing feelings.
- Taking support: We may have a strong desire to be alone. We can, however, learn to disregard it and seek help from anybody with whom we are comfortable. Maintaining contact with our loved ones will help us give each other support, making all the difficulties easier to cope with. This will also ensure that we communicate openly about our feelings rather than bottling them up. Speaking about our emotions helps us process it and can also give us different viewpoints from others on how we can deal with it.
- Taking active control: When we are faced with a situation that is filled with uncertainty, feelings of helplessness are normal. However, taking active steps like engaging in volunteering, sharing important resources, donating, sharing social media posts regarding availability of resources etc can help you regain a sense of control. Helping and supporting others, based on the capacity and resources that we have can help us reduce our feelings of helplessness as we are focusing on what we can do rather than what we can’t do.
- Gratitude exercises: Doing a gratitude exercise at the end of the day with family or friends can help you remind yourself of the things that you’re grateful for despite the pandemic. You could do this every day where all of you speak about what made you smile and what you’re grateful for that day. This can also be done alone where you list out the things you’re grateful for each day in your personal journal.
- Taking professional help: If you feel that you’re unable to deal with your feelings alone, it is important to remind yourself that feeling this way is ok and seeking help from a professional can help you deal with the distress and difficulties you are facing. Therapy treatments like cognitive behavioural therapy can help us in identifying thoughts and beliefs which cause guilt and how to develop more adaptive interpretations of the current situation.
With each passing day, we may be confronted with new challenges and upsetting events. But, in order to fight the pandemic, we’re also learning how to manage our resources wisely and gaining strength from ourselves and others. Giving and receiving support, maintaining our connections, and attempting to preserve a sense of normality by going about our daily routine in a safe manner can all aid us in enduring the pandemic while maintaining our mental health. It’s healthier to forgive ourselves for things we can’t change and concentrate on what we can do to actively aid ourselves and others.
“To heal, we must first forgive… and sometimes the person we must forgive is ourselves.” — Mila Bron
Written by Maryam Hannan
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